Coaching beyond the drill – How soft skills really win game

When people hear the phrase “soft skills,” it often gets dismissed as the fluffy stuff around the edges—nice to have, but not the core of coaching. I’d challenge that. Soft skills aren’t the side dish. They’re the glue. Without them, your technical knowledge struggles to land. You can have the best drill in the world, but if you can’t connect with your players or communicate clearly, it won’t stick.

Soft skills are things like communication, emotional regulation, relationship-building and feedback delivery. They’re not abstract, they’re real, they’re practical, and they’re entirely coachable. Just like a pass or a tackle, they improve with attention and intention.

Communicate with purpose, not just volume

Let’s start with communication. We throw that word around a lot, but being an effective communicator isn’t about talking more; it’s about being understood. Often, we speak with good intentions, but what’s heard by the player isn’t what we meant to say.

One of the simplest tools I recommend to coaches is this: record yourself. Whether it’s on video or mic during a session, play it back. Listen to how you give feedback, how often you speak, and whether your core message is really getting across. Sometimes, less is more. Clarity beats complexity every time.

And above all, be yourself. Players can spot inauthenticity quickly. If you’re naturally energetic and passionate, bring that. If you’re calm and measured, own it. The key is clarity, not conformity.

Regulate, reflect, reset

Another vital area is emotional regulation. Coaching is emotional, especially in high-stakes or high-pressure situations. But the best coaches I’ve worked with, and learned from, are the ones who can read themselves as well as they read the game.

It starts with awareness. Maybe you notice you speak faster when you’re anxious, or you get snappy when frustrated. These are signs. If you can learn to recognise them early, you can choose how to respond instead of just reacting.

This also means accepting that you’ll get it wrong sometimes. I certainly have. We all have. But there’s huge power in going back to a player and saying, “Hey, I didn’t handle that well. Can we try again?” That honesty isn’t weakness. It’s a bridge to deeper trust.

Connection comes first

There are always going to be players who are harder to reach. Maybe they’ve had poor experiences with previous coaches. Maybe they don’t trust easily. In those cases, I always start with curiosity.

Ask questions. Be genuinely interested. It might take a while: “How was your day?” might get you a “fine” at first. But with consistency and care, the responses grow. You’re not being nosy, you’re showing someone that they matter.

Shared experiences help, too. Find common ground. Maybe it’s a favourite coffee shop, maybe it’s a sibling who plays rugby too. Little things build the foundation for bigger conversations.

And remember: the environment you create shouldn’t just work for the starting XV. It needs to include the entire squad. I’ve seen so many setups that feel great, for the top 60%. The rest? They’re guessing where they stand. And that’s where problems start.

Small actions, big impact

Soft skills don’t need to be another thing on your to-do list. They can be built into what you’re already doing. Start preseason by pulling players aside for short chats. Ask them how they like to receive feedback. Use warm-ups for fun connection games. Get to know them as people.

Use Individual Development Plans not just for skill targets but for relational understanding. If you’re new to the group, use those first meetings to ask thoughtful questions. Players will open up more than you might think, especially if they feel seen and safe.

And when it comes to selection? Be honest, be clear, and be early. A tough conversation on Monday is easier to digest than a surprise benching on Friday. Clarity gives purpose, even when it’s disappointing.

Soft skills might not win lineouts or hit rucks. But they do build the environment where players want to grow, contribute, and belong. And in my experience, that’s where performance really begins.

Let’s stop calling them “soft.” They’re the hardest thing to master—and often the most important.

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