I’ve been reading about the importance of language in coaching. Specifically, that we should avoid using the word “don’t”. I’m slightly apprehensive about trying to avoid using a particular word since I’ve already got a real problem with not saying “but”.
For some reason, though I am very clear in my own mind that this isn’t good word, I can’t shake the habit. “Ignore everything before the ‘but’” is a good way of understanding why it’s not so.
“But” implies criticism, and is a poor way of trying to be positive on the one hand yet handing out a negative with the other. Try as I might, I set up a situation in my delivery and then put across an opposing view, glued together by that word. I will try harder.
So, what’s wrong with “don’t” and the word “didn’t” too.
Here’s what Doug Lemov, author of Teach Like a Champion says:
“Don’t” implies permanence. This thing that you did is something you always do. The language globalizes a mistake. Makes it part of you–a flaw. Maybe even hints at deliberateness. You don’t even care. You just do it.
“Didn’t” describes one time, an event. Could be that it’s an exception, even. You probably always do but you didn’t there. It’s a comment that expresses much more faith and belief in the person you are talking to.
But even didn’t talks focuses on the past–on what went wrong. While that can be useful it’s often not as useful as focusing on the solution. It reminds me of something Seahawks coach Pete Carroll says in describing his practice philosophy:
“We’re really disciplined as coaches to always talk about what we want to see, the desired outcome, not about what went wrong or what the mistake was. We have to be disciplined about how we use our language. We always talk about the next thing you can do right. It’s always about what we want to have happen.”
The essence of what Carroll and Lemov imply is that we must look forward, not back. Lemov notes that James Clear says “The most effective form of motivation is progress”.
For example, you might say to your 10 after a game, “Don’t kick the ball high in the opposition 22”. Or, “You didn’t use the switch play in the game”.
How could you turn that into statements that help your player make progress? I think you could turn it into a question. “What sort of kicks work best in their 22?” or “When can we use a switch play in games?”
Each one does challenge the player. They might reflect on previous mistakes. Yet the question focuses them on what to do next. In other words, what progress can they make.
That didn’t sound too difficult? Don’t forget to change your language.